Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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