i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
