I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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