you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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