someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize