Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
