i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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