i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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