I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
