the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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