They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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