Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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