8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
