It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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