Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
