There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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