Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
