He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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