If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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