its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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