it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
