I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We need to get me chipped asap
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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