The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
