there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Found your dick twin last night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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