What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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