Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
