i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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