thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
