life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
