You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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