my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
