You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
