I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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