Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
