I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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