My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
