My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
ok first of all what the fuck
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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