Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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