Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
