apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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