Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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