honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
