it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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