Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
