I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
