sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
