you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
