If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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