dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hippo gnu deer
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
