I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Drake has all the answers
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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