I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize