Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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