i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
