we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
