I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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