Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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