It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
