i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
one two three fourrrrnication!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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