No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
