I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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